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Black Dog

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I can not connect.
And it is painful when I do.

I know I need to be present, to feel.
But I dislike it.
This type of presence.

We can not control nature,
despite how much we effort-less.
I am here in my body, I am home.
I am here in my body, I am alive.
I am awake.

And it feels so painful.
When do we stop trying to play God,
and let God, nature, take course.

Stop masking and medicating.













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She taught me how to love again.
Never gave up on me,
and now I feel like I am giving up on her.

We spend so much time trying to fix things we can not.
Things we were not meant to.
Who gave us this job?
Why do we desire so much power and responsibility,
if for not to better the outcome.

Like her, I go to nature and all of its green beauty.
Even if some call it dangerous,
at least it doesn't come with a long, bold warning of harm to the good health you still have left.
But then again, nature doesn't make money on its own.
Nor does it…

Life Worth vs. Net Worth

Exit 13

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Life is finally worth living.

After so many years, I got my life back.
And as an outsider, watching from the distance, I was able to see it all as clear as the ocean waves that hit my feet.


It’s been three years since that day.
The day that I told myself I served no purpose to the world, to my family, and to myself.
And with no purpose, but a heart full of pain, I didn’t really see the point in trying anymore.
I gave up on myself.

I was checked out mentally and as a result, trying to check out physically.

There was not one piece of me that felt like this world wanted it around.
No matter what the evidence showed me to support otherwise, I didn’t believe I deserved life.
In brief moments when I did feel to be “part of the world”, I would remove myself as quickly as possible.
The discomfort of happiness, the fear of losing it, the belief that it was real, and for me, was too much.
I shut down. I ran.
As if discovering a bridge to a beautiful unknown land, to only break it down in att…

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Are we ready yet?

Or are we going to continue living in denial and avoid it because it makes us uncomfortable?

Time and time again, people tell me “Maria, you care too much” or “don’t put so much energy into things you can’t change”. And I get. Really, I do.

But then there is the other half of me that says, “I’m cool, I’ll keep caring”. I mean someone has to make up for the ass holes out there who don’t. Plus, if people didn’t “care too much” about me, I wouldn’t have words to speak.

So, yea, I am a wee bit keyed up this morning. Fasten your seat-belts.

Finally, back to work after 11 days on the mend post unexpected stomach surgery. Still have internal sutures in three places, but moving forward as much as normal until my body tells me otherwise. No this is not a complaint, this is a victory cry.

Stay in good spirits.  Meditate.  Relax.  Blah Blah. 
Did it.  Like I legitimately kicked ass at “taking it easy”. 
11 days for me is like a year to a dog. I still can’t exercise, which Go…

Early Detection - MILLENNIAL to MARTYR in 1-DAY!

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Guaranteed!
READ this blog entry and you will become the very first MILLENNIAL to MARTYR in 1-DAY!
Say that again - ONE day!
A deal so go(o)d you couldn't walk away from.
...especially if you're an Iraq or Iran vet who lost their legs in battle, can't walk and now suffers from PTSD but is stigmatized by society so will eventually commit suicide next to the kid in North Philly who has no future and should just walk to prison now...

*Sale last today Only. Taxes do not include reminiscing thoughts of "life-as-we-know-it" mindfulness. CA and CO, need not apply. Consciousness limited in some states. Anyone who was of moderate cultural or human-rights related impact, that suspiciously died or got killed, you get it for FREE. 

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too unexpected, abrupt or rash for you?

What if I also said - no, I'm not a born again virgin.
Mother Maria! Momma Mia
...i could eat some pasta.

Oh, nor am I going to kill myself.
And yes, my family can rest assured…

One Less Organ.

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I think god was trying to give me a lesson.

Not one on pain and suffering,
I’ve had plenty of that.

But one of accepting love.
For that my friends,
is the more challenging lesson to be learned.



Healing post-surgery.

Feeling accountable,
or weak some may say,
for having been injured.

As if suggesting it my fault.

Comparable to that,
of welcoming a chance at romance.

All to get hurt again.

As evidence by the three holes in my stomach.

A perfectly acceptable hardship,
I mustn’t find challenging to endure.

I handle all of this so much gentler though,
than I would have before. Unable to find empathy in “self”,
surprised to find those who care, showing up.

Words of wisdom I’d so easily provide,
the kind I cannot hear.

Like a child who speaks of simple, obvious truth,
with no motive inside.


Change,
I have certainly done much of.

Running so much though still,  from the true source of pain.

Not one of life or death,
or that either can take away.

“Suffers from abandonment…

In Your Honor

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In a dynamic caused by overflow, we find the edge before the answer
Risking our identity for judgments, until trauma becomes the new cancer

Becoming naked in heart and mind, children not knowing of what to come
Horrible things done before them, endured only until found numb

Expecting someone to claim responsibility, a role we all must take
Knowing history does repeat itself, no matter how much we medicate

To soften and still the voices, the night has shown to fear
Overdosing to get rid of them, losing control, we try to steer

Disassociate, numb, void, disconnect - coping mechanisms, they say
Swallow, binge, cut, debt - vices with a higher cost to pay

Research turned to poison, freedom the cost of pride
Fill another prescription, natures version we must hide

Dependence the new denial, addiction a choice made
Exposure therapy shock the memories, before my life begins to fade

The truth having no profit, since meditation and prayer are free
Tolerating the discomfort, in sear…