Showing posts from 2018

Black Dog

I can not connect.
And it is painful when I do.

I know I need to be present, to feel.
But I dislike it.
This type of presence.

We can not control nature,
despite how much we effort-less.
I am here in my body, I am home.
I am here in my body, I am alive.
I am awake.

And it feels so painful.
When do we stop trying to play God,
and let God, nature, take course.

Stop masking and medicating.


She taught me how to love again.
Never gave up on me,
and now I feel like I am giving up on her.

We spend so much time trying to fix things we can not.
Things we were not meant to.
Who gave us this job?
Why do we desire so much power and responsibility,
if for not to better the outcome.

Like her, I go to nature and all of its green beauty.
Even if some call it dangerous,
at least it doesn't come with a long, bold warning of harm to the good health you still have left.
But then again, nature doesn't make money on its own.
Nor does it…

Life Worth vs. Net Worth

Exit 13

Life is finally worth living.

After so many years, I got my life back.
And as an outsider, watching from the distance, I was able to see it all as clear as the ocean waves that hit my feet.

It’s been three years since that day.
The day that I told myself I served no purpose to the world, to my family, and to myself.
And with no purpose, but a heart full of pain, I didn’t really see the point in trying anymore.
I gave up on myself.

I was checked out mentally and as a result, trying to check out physically.

There was not one piece of me that felt like this world wanted it around.
No matter what the evidence showed me to support otherwise, I didn’t believe I deserved life.
In brief moments when I did feel to be “part of the world”, I would remove myself as quickly as possible.
The discomfort of happiness, the fear of losing it, the belief that it was real, and for me, was too much.
I shut down. I ran.
As if discovering a bridge to a beautiful unknown land, to only break it down in att…


Are we ready yet?

Or are we going to continue living in denial and avoid it because it makes us uncomfortable?

Time and time again, people tell me “Maria, you care too much” or “don’t put so much energy into things you can’t change”. And I get. Really, I do.

But then there is the other half of me that says, “I’m cool, I’ll keep caring”. I mean someone has to make up for the ass holes out there who don’t. Plus, if people didn’t “care too much” about me, I wouldn’t have words to speak.

So, yea, I am a wee bit keyed up this morning. Fasten your seat-belts.

Finally, back to work after 11 days on the mend post unexpected stomach surgery. Still have internal sutures in three places, but moving forward as much as normal until my body tells me otherwise. No this is not a complaint, this is a victory cry.

Stay in good spirits.  Meditate.  Relax.  Blah Blah. 
Did it.  Like I legitimately kicked ass at “taking it easy”. 
11 days for me is like a year to a dog. I still can’t exercise, which Go…

Early Detection - MILLENNIAL to MARTYR in 1-DAY!

READ this blog entry and you will become the very first MILLENNIAL to MARTYR in 1-DAY!
Say that again - ONE day!
A deal so go(o)d you couldn't walk away from.
...especially if you're an Iraq or Iran vet who lost their legs in battle, can't walk and now suffers from PTSD but is stigmatized by society so will eventually commit suicide next to the kid in North Philly who has no future and should just walk to prison now...

*Sale last today Only. Taxes do not include reminiscing thoughts of "life-as-we-know-it" mindfulness. CA and CO, need not apply. Consciousness limited in some states. Anyone who was of moderate cultural or human-rights related impact, that suspiciously died or got killed, you get it for FREE. 

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too unexpected, abrupt or rash for you?

What if I also said - no, I'm not a born again virgin.
Mother Maria! Momma Mia
...i could eat some pasta.

Oh, nor am I going to kill myself.
And yes, my family can rest assured…

One Less Organ.

I think god was trying to give me a lesson.

Not one on pain and suffering,
I’ve had plenty of that.

But one of accepting love.
For that my friends,
is the more challenging lesson to be learned.

Healing post-surgery.

Feeling accountable,
or weak some may say,
for having been injured.

As if suggesting it my fault.

Comparable to that,
of welcoming a chance at romance.

All to get hurt again.

As evidence by the three holes in my stomach.

A perfectly acceptable hardship,
I mustn’t find challenging to endure.

I handle all of this so much gentler though,
than I would have before. Unable to find empathy in “self”,
surprised to find those who care, showing up.

Words of wisdom I’d so easily provide,
the kind I cannot hear.

Like a child who speaks of simple, obvious truth,
with no motive inside.

I have certainly done much of.

Running so much though still,  from the true source of pain.

Not one of life or death,
or that either can take away.

“Suffers from abandonment…

In Your Honor

In a dynamic caused by overflow, we find the edge before the answer
Risking our identity for judgments, until trauma becomes the new cancer

Becoming naked in heart and mind, children not knowing of what to come
Horrible things done before them, endured only until found numb

Expecting someone to claim responsibility, a role we all must take
Knowing history does repeat itself, no matter how much we medicate

To soften and still the voices, the night has shown to fear
Overdosing to get rid of them, losing control, we try to steer

Disassociate, numb, void, disconnect - coping mechanisms, they say
Swallow, binge, cut, debt - vices with a higher cost to pay

Research turned to poison, freedom the cost of pride
Fill another prescription, natures version we must hide

Dependence the new denial, addiction a choice made
Exposure therapy shock the memories, before my life begins to fade

The truth having no profit, since meditation and prayer are free
Tolerating the discomfort, in sear…

Brush Strokes

If music matters... Maybe we would listen as intently as we do (or should be) a conversation with another person.  Rather than listening mindlessly, realize the lyrical outlet is just that.  If you love me as much as I do, what are you saying? 

Kendrick Lamar - Pray for Me
I fight the world, I fight you, I fight myself
I fight God, just tell me how many burdens left
I fight pain and hurricanes, today I wept
I'm tryna fight back tears, flood on my doorsteps
Life a livin' hell, puddles of blood in the streets
Shooters on top of the building, government aid ain't relief
Earthquake, the body drop, the ground breaks
The poor run with smoke lungs and Scarface
Who need a hero? (hero)
You need a hero, look in the mirror, there go your hero
Who on the front lines at ground zero? (hero)
My heart don't skip a beat, even when hard times bumps the needle
Mass destruction and mass corruption
The souls are sufferin' men
Clutchin' on deaf ears again, rapture is comin'


Good morning + God bless.

Morning for me, yes. 7am eastern time. Your location and time may disagree.

God for me, yes. The Messiah. Your culture and believes may disagree.

Time is not constant. Nor is faith tangible. But one thing will always remain the same, our bond as flesh and blood, human in nature, connected in soul.

I take this bond seriously. Ever since my mind was renewed. It's the price I pay, having another life to use. And I love every minute of it. This new job, my cost of living, has brought me to the most simple place of Joy, the happiest state of mind, and into the greatest love affair with myself.

Without further ado, I bring you "STAT 1". 

It’s a scary world to live in,
when you can’t control your thoughts.

You constantly search for happiness,
but the fears become your faults.

The daily urge for control,
to overcome the distortions in your head.

With the darkness come back the nightmares,
as you lay down in your bed.

From the subconscious come back t…

Proceed with caution.

Is this why “faith” can be intimidating? Because it makes us admit that life isn’t all about us? Ha!

What a selfless way to expect us to live and act by. How counter intuitive to everything we currently know and feel comfortable with. Otherwise, if we lived by faith, or simply in a way in which it wasn’t “all about us”, things would probably look a lot different.

We’d probably ask more questions, and too, seek more answers. 
And in turn we didn't, would this make us lazy or simply reveal that we really do not want (can't handle) the answers?

How is there still such vast separation between the black and white community, but racism doesn’t exist?

Why is the gap between rich and poor increasing, yet we are making America great again?

How is the lower class growing and upper class shrinking, yet the majority contribute 2/3 and the minority the rest?
How come medical marijuana, despite being from earth and all-natur…

Friends of

Let me start with this.

One time I had a really bad panic attack. The kind my therapist refers to as a "re-experience". I was brought to the E.R. because my friends couldn't figure out a way to calm me down and make me believe there weren't two men physically present holding my neck, with a gun to the back of my head. Nothing they said or did, brought me back to the room we were in.

As you read this you may be thinking, "that sounds like a scene in the movies when the soldiers home from war".

Well, I've never watched my life on film, but it may be an accurate picture.

My friends and I were out that night. Drinking as young single city girls do. And I was triggered. Triggers include sights, sounds, smells or thoughts that remind you of the traumatic event in some way. Damn, that's a lot of things for me when you put it that way.

Anyway, because the E.R. staff knew we had been out (obviously the group of white girls in nice clothes didn't give i…

In case of loss, please return to:

I wrote this in June 2015.
In case of loss, please return to:
To give some context as to why that matters, today, see timeline below.
Once read, that is, in combination of the two, you will either realize (like me) "holy, literal, "holy" shit, God is real". Or you might just see a timeline with multiple layers of irony, and hopefully, find the piece referenced above to be poetic.
But just remember, the antonym for "irony" is "logic".  "And experience is a better guide to this than deductive logic"

May 2018: Drove through my old neighborhood.

June 2015: 802 South Mole Street. Lived there. 
May 2018: I have just enough money to life.
I asked for money to help with my meter. It took 3 strangers and a food truck owner to get 4 quarters for a dollar.

June 2015: I had all the money and wasn’t alive.
I never had to pay a meter. And probably would have turned my face down to help too.

May 2018: Laid on the couch in center city with my shoe…