Are we ready yet?

Or are we going to continue living in denial and avoid it because it makes us uncomfortable?

Time and time again, people tell me “Maria, you care too much” or “don’t put so much energy into things you can’t change”. And I get. Really, I do.

But then there is the other half of me that says, “I’m cool, I’ll keep caring”. I mean someone has to make up for the ass holes out there who don’t. Plus, if people didn’t “care too much” about me, I wouldn’t have words to speak.

So, yea, I am a wee bit keyed up this morning. Fasten your seat-belts.

Finally, back to work after 11 days on the mend post unexpected stomach surgery. Still have internal sutures in three places, but moving forward as much as normal until my body tells me otherwise. No this is not a complaint, this is a victory cry.

Stay in good spirits. 
Blah Blah. 

Did it. 
Like I legitimately kicked ass at “taking it easy”. 

11 days for me is like a year to a dog. I still can’t exercise, which God knows I could use with all this mental energy and aggravation. But I’m not going to drink over it, take opioid prescriptions over it, or rob my happiness over it. 

If educating myself on neuroscience, mindfulness and the “power of the mind” has taught me one thing, its that we are all our own worst enemy. And I buried my enemy some time ago, so take that healthcare system. 

Anyway. A client didn’t show up. I hate traffic (like most people...even the Dalai Lama is human). But I hate it to the point where I would rather live poor, pay check to pay check, then waste away anymore of my live sitting in a gas-gosling car, while getting overly anxious, to then start my day in a stressed, agitated mood (like the one I am in now).

So, yea, I was perturbed. But like I said, no one robs me of my mood but me.


The doctor’s office calls. After 5 days waiting for a pre-cert from the insurance company, they have denied the doctors orders for me to get a CT Scan. Of my brain. The thing that can literally kill us, without medical cause. Why? They didn’t find it medically necessary. Apparently having short-lived piercing pains behind your right eye, only since being out of surgery, which was out of the blue itself, is not justifiable in cost to the system. 

Of course not. Why should someone in my circumstance, with my “good health", be concerned about her body after being rushed to the ER randomly while watching TV. No, unnecessary. Why should someone like Anthony Bourdain die, because his brain told him life wasn't worth living. No, definitely unnecessary. 

I recognize my problems, the ones mentioned above, are just as prevalent and as much a pain in the butt for all ya'll, as they are for me. That is not the point.

Disappointment at work.
Frustration with the healthcare system. 

We all get it. Who wants to start the next Facebook Group? I bet everyone reading this meets at least 2 of 3 credentials for entry. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my job. I get to do my favorite thing, for payment. I am happy to have a license and ability to drive. To afford a car, car insurance and yes, health insurance (even if it is shit from the Marketplace). But I do HATE suicide above all else.

Which leads me back to my earlier question.
Are we ready yet?
Or are we going to continue living in denial and avoid it because it makes us uncomfortable?

That's right! I'm talking about suicide people. The thing you keep hearing on the news, seeing posted about on social media, and talk about in passing with coworkers/family/friends.

I believe we were all a little shocked, and saddened, on Friday morning when the world found out Anthony Bourdain took his life. Or better yet, he hung it, for someone else to take.

Some say they weren’t “surprised” given his admissions to struggling with depression, suicidal ideation and even past drug use to cope with it. That’s cool. Just brush it off the old conscious, attribute it to drugs, don’t feel “too” bad. Sure you wish he could have helped himself…but most likely, not as much as he did in his greatest time of need. But he couldn’t and now he is gone.

Along with…

Jackson Odell 
(“The Goldberg’s” actor) – age 20 – June 2018
*tbd; found unresponsive in his room at a sober-living facility
Kate Spade 
(American fashion designer) – age 55 – June 2018
Stephanie Adams 
(Model, author and former Playmate) – age 48 – May 2018
*jumped out of 25th floor window, after pushing 11-year old son first.
(Musician and DJ) – age 28 – April 2018
*Self-inflicted cuts resulting in blood loss
Verne Troyer 
(“Mini Me” from Austin Powers) – age 49 – April 2018
*Alcohol poisoning 
John Paul Steuer 
(“Star Trek” and “Little Giants” actor) – age 33 – January 2018
Mark Salling 
(“Glee” actor) – age 36 – January 2018

And that is just this year.

I read that calls to suicide hotlines have increased by 25% in volume since Kate Spade's death. I sure as hell hope so. Not because all the sudden everyone is sad, but because (maybe) people finally feel comfortable admitting their desperation and want to seek help, even if at the cost of their pride.

There should be no shame in not wanting to live. 
There should be no shame in admitting your brain sucks. 
But there should be shame when we avoid the subject. 

Let me say that again.

You should never feel ashamed in feeling that you don't want to live.

I mean, you definitely shouldn't die over it, but feelings, man they are powerful.

So please, accept this offering of kindness, and give it to yourself. Your heart deserves more than your brain can give right now. Trust me, I know.

No it's not a good feeling and I don’t wish it upon anyone. Just as I wouldn’t wish upon them anything else that I have lived through that hurt me. But I do wish that we wouldn't be so scared to talk about it. Honestly, and even in F*ing rage or humor. If that is what it takes, I'd die for it. Jesus did.

Here are some more uplifting statistics.
- Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. What the F.
- Each year ~45,000 American’s die by suicide. What the FF.
- For every 1 successful suicide, 25 attempt. What the triple F.
- Suicide costs the US $69 billion annually. Suck on that healthcare system - you giant JOKE.

How about the “system” saves some money, and maybe some lives too.

But that of course would come at an even higher cost. The one of our conscious. Our guilt, our shame and our ignorance. We are all guilty of these statistics. We are all ashamed if they relate to us. And we are all ignorant for letting suicide be a trend in the news, a post on Instagram, a statistic..and nothing more. 

Sure, I'm probably being overly cautious by wanting a CT Scan and all the other tests I asked my doctor for. But if I don't take care of myself, if I don't take my life seriously, even if I do take care of my mind, I'm still screwed. No matter how much I meditate and go to therapy.

It’s time to change people. Enough is enough. Or, don’t and we all just kill each other (and ourselves) until the end of humanity. That’s an option too.

Me though, I'll stick to caring too much, try to change things I can’t, and listen to music that motivates me through it. This is why I love Tupac.

I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living should I blast myself?
I got love for my brother, but we can never go nowhere
Unless we share with each other
It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.
Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live
And let's change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do
What we gotta do, to survive. 

Too bad someone killed him. Could have evoked some change in this modern-day society we live in so carelessly. But then again, he said it himself “is life worth living should I blast myself?”. So who knows if he would have eventually joined the list too.

Don’t get me wrong. I by no means care to joke about suicide or downplay its seriousness. But it seems that in today’s world, we have to hear comedians like Dave Chappelle, or more recent Michelle Wolf, offend us with laughter, in order for us to listen.

Reminds me of the letter I wrote to musician Logic. 
Yes, the light skinned rapper who made a song about suicide prevention that was an international Top 10 single last year. I, nobody Maria Evans, wrote him a letter. 

When I heard the song 18002738255 , I didn’t listen closely to the lyrics but just the words “I don’t want to be alive, I want to die today” and damn was I mad. Assuming "here is another young punk trying to romanticize a serious thing for air play". 

And then I listened again, closely. I read the lyrics and looked into the kid. Apparently, he suffers from debilitating anxiety that almost made him stop making music, which would have happened before this song was released. 

God I am glad Logic, used his logic, and didn’t kill himself. 
In my message I told him how much I appreciated him “giving a shit”. How I am so happy he didn’t die and only hope he continues to spread thought-provoking music to my generation and all those behind, and in front of us.

Do I really think my “thank you” message will be read? Who cares. As long as I keep caring enough to say it, I’m good with whomever and whatever response I get. 

I've been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I'm out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
(Who can relate? Woo!)
I've been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I'm out of my mind
It feel like my life ain't mine

I don't wanna be alive
I don't wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don't wanna be alive
I don't wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

BUT there is hope. Young “Logic” now tells us why we don’t need to pull the trigger.
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don't gotta die today
You don't gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don't gotta die
Now lemme tell you why

It's the very first breath
When your head's been drowning underwater
And it's the lightness in the air
When you're there
Chest to chest with a lover
It's holding on, though the road's long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you'll thank God you did

I too thank you God. I know that mirror well, and I love her.

May all those lost in the battle of the mind find peace in your home. And until we meet, may you continue to give me the strength to use my greatest challenges, as my greatest purpose. 

May conscious-oriented music be heard, victims of rape and past child hood molestation speak out, the suffering not fall to drugs, alcohol and/or lives of crime, and mostly, may people like me (and those who helped me) be there for those in need. We can all provide comfort, safe heaven, security and a “judgement free zone” to those we love. And with all that love, I don’t doubt we will see some CHANGE.

RIP Tupac. RIP Bourdain (aka Parts Unknown), Odell (aka Goldberg), Spade (aka America’s favorite purse), Adams (aka bunny), Bergling (aka Avicii), Troyer (aka “Mini Me”), Steuer (aka Johnny Viper), and Salling (aka Puck).

RIP every and anyone lost to this epidemic and to their aka persona.

LOVE to all those still hear. Know you are not alone and that God want’s you to claim the life you deserve…before you come home to him. And so do I.

Oh, and in honor of the new robot Huggie Bot, I am offering FREE HUGS! Why? Because I have two arms and know how to use them. And because I know how powerful a hug can be, especially when you can’t seem to give them to yourself.

Until next time - Namaste, God Bless and Call Someone.


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