One Less Organ.

I think god was trying to give me a lesson.

Not one on pain and suffering,
I’ve had plenty of that.

But one of accepting love.
For that my friends,
is the more challenging lesson to be learned.

Healing post-surgery.

Feeling accountable,
or weak some may say,
for having been injured.

As if suggesting it my fault.

Comparable to that,
of welcoming a chance at romance.

All to get hurt again.

As evidence by the three holes in my stomach.

A perfectly acceptable hardship,
I mustn’t find challenging to endure.

I handle all of this so much gentler though,
than I would have before.
Unable to find empathy in “self”,
surprised to find those who care, showing up.

Words of wisdom I’d so easily provide,
the kind I cannot hear.

Like a child who speaks of simple, obvious truth,
with no motive inside.

I have certainly done much of.

Running so much though still, 
from the true source of pain.

Not one of life or death,
or that either can take away.

“Suffers from abandonment”
they write on the doctor’s note.

Only this time,
it was god’s will and not mine.

In my search for truth and meaning.

Only to prove again,
as my close friend would say…
“Maria, you didn’t ask for this situation”
(referring of course to my three stomach holes)

Taking the burden of pain,
off my own back.

Too bad someone didn’t do this for Jesus.

Then maybe we would have a reason,
to treat ourselves better.

A modest view of one’s own importance.

Commonly associated with one who is humble.

You know what’s humbling?
Realizing that you need the love of others,
as much as you need the love of yourself.

Dealing with difficult physical ailments, 
really puts mindfulness in perspective.

While maintaining a sense of humor,
otherwise known as the shield of sarcasm.

I smile to see
despite all the growth,
I still hold the same fears.

Only they have manifested,
in ways of presence and peace.

But still avoiding,
the same pain and suffering.

Maybe with acceptance of love,
the lesson will learn.

Feeling so in touch with myself,
I question “who asked for all these emotions?”

At least I make myself smile.
I never could do that.

Knowing I don’t need to see you show up
to realize that you care.

And remember,
we are only granted what we think we are owed.

Expect little for yourself,
and you shall easily receive it. 

~Sarah Blondin 
"Healing through Letting Go" 

I know a part of me is so afraid to look at what is hurting me, 
that it would rather escape than face it. 
I know a part of me is afraid to wake up 
because when you become aware, you become accountable. 
Responsible for the healing of my life 
and knows I will need to take on the task of loving myself until full. 
A part of me is so afraid 
to look and see, because it knows the fingers I have been pointing will be pointed back at me. 
The angry eyes I have been looking out at the world with, 
are my eyes, my responsibility. 
A part of me knows that when caught in anger and pain, 
I will have to ask myself is this really worth the pain and misery? 
Is the price I am paying worth my one precious life? 
A part of me knows that once I am able to see, 
I will never be able to un-see again. 
But another part of me knows that I am serving no one, 
not one by staying asleep. 
A part of me is moving up and out, 
from all of the places of un-growth 
Until I have nothing left to run out of my pain, 
but lay it down.

- Live Awake, mindfulness meditation via. Insight Timer App


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