Get over yourself.


We all deserve to die.

Well, come on. The way we treat each other, let alone how we treat the planet…it’s actually surprising we still exists as a species.

Isn’t it strange? Isn’t it a pity?

That we’re all stuck in a lie. A lie we created for ourselves, by ourselves. One that leads us to live less full, less honest, and less purposeful lives. Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why do we let the energetic pull of negatively so often win the game of tug-a-war? Why do we continue to deny ourselves the lives that we truly seek?

Until we realize pride is the devil and that God is within us, we will continue to suffer. We will continue to hurt each other, and we will continue to die. Don’t like the sound of it? Stop being so ignorantly blind to it and we won’t have to. Pride is the root of all evil. Greed, lust, addiction, abuse, anger, war, genocide, racism – pride. One human vs. another. How much longer will we continue to suffer in this reality we have so easily called home?

The news filled with audio. The overdose funeral recession. How can a society of people that is so focused on “bettering themselves” be so good at killing everything that matters?

We are so self-absorbed that we forget just how vast the universe is. Just how deep the valleys, the seas and the stars. We think “this is all for us”. Well guess what, it isn’t. WE are all for IT. That’s right. God didn’t create man to kill his earth. God created us to take care of it and in doing so we would deserve the life it gives us.

You think the oxygen you breathe outside is free? Ha. We are promised nothing. We have no control over today or tomorrow. We have no idea what is to come. And most of us are so consumed with erasing what has come, that we miss what is happening in front of us NOW. We miss the miracles. The connections. The grace. Our bodies were designed for forward progression, yet we continue to stare behind us. Ever try and walk forward while starring backwards? Good luck. And to think that serves as metaphor for what is now.

This morning. This cup of coffee. This connection with spirit. When I come here, I am neither future or past. I am present. In search of nothing more, nothing less.

I genuinely hope people don’t like me. I hope people feel uncomfortable by my presence and words. With how I live. With how damn happy I am despite all the damn odds. Can I get an Amen from the choir?! God’s Grace, that magic is free. So, yea I do live in a fairy tale. And guess what, I fucking love it.

I love that I love people. That I give them too many chances despite their obvious failed attempts to return the favor. I do not ask but only for honest shared space. Love thy neighbor. Why are we so good as a society at making these corny slogans for changing our lives, yet here we are USA dying.
The economy taking a shit. The president more of a fucking man child than my newly adopted stray dog. Oh healthcare, don’t fucking get me started.

Check this out, I have government marketplace insurance and it went from $120 to $220 per month this year. And I constantly get denied by doctors, my insurance wouldn’t cover a cat scan for my debilitating headaches, I pay out of pocket for most of my mental health cost (which is a LOT), I am in debt, don’t have a working vehicle, have borrowed money from family (which literally almost killed me, and my pride), and almost missed rent for my apartment in a city I would have been embarrassed to live in two years ago, not just once, but three times in two years. I sat on hold for ten minutes today just to make a doctor’s appointment.

No, I haven’t gone to the doctor yet for my head. I have anxiety about the doctors. And I have anxiety about my head. Given my past history of head injuries paired with my mental health, my brain is the only thing that scares me anymore. What my brain is capable of doing that is. I mean once you take yourself down, no one else really intimidates you. Usually I stay humble and culturally respectful to this…I don’t want to walk around making enemies in trying to make friends and end up shot like some modern day hippie Jesus hugger…however when the wrong situation crosses my path and I feel somehow personally attacked, threatened or accused of being something I am not – someone who feeds off my positive energy making it toxic in return – someone who makes me doubt myself, my mind-state, my heart, my intent, my purpose, my beliefs, my security – well then, its game on mother fucker. You just introduced yourself to the girl who fears no evil.

But seriously, I currently have on a ripped Temple hoodie that I bought in college, an arm of miscellaneous bracelets from people who love me (it makes me feel like Wonder Woman and they are my shields), two different UGGS (their mates lost in one of the moves, PS most ridiculous brand created), a couch that was a gift, furniture from when I made way more money than I needed working in pharmaceutical advertising (devil devil devil devil), I ate two cookies for breakfast, have had about ten emotional ups-downs in the last 48-hours, and may just need to go to sleep (or for a run).

Sound crazy? Sure does. Welcome to my life.

But here is the thing. I am so GOD damn proud of it. I love my live. I love everything about it. I love the crooked picture on my wall that just last week fell on my head, landing me a concussion. Ha see what I did there? Land, concussion, it fell. Anyway. I love this adorable psycho dog, I love the tranquil music that plays on my first-generation iPhone which is plugged into the little stereo my sister gave me years ago. I love that everything I own has a meaning. Everything about my basic little apartment is ME. 100% unfiltered, unapologetic, “come join me if you are pure in heart but get the fuck out if you aren’t” ME. Everything holds value. Everything serves purpose.

We are in a season of change my friends. My brothers and sisters of the most high. Step outside, feel it, it’s in the air. Close your eyes, see it, it’s in you.

Check this out. What if the whole concept behind God was that God is YOU. And the whole “heaven on earth” thing is actually life, now. We make heaven, in life (while alive), here on earth. What if God already gave us heaven. By his “son dying” on a cross – which by the way, to be killed that way, is there anything more humbling – by his son dying on a cross, we, you and me, would be forgiven for all sin. For all destruction done to this earth, to others and to us. Sin we admitted to, sin we denied, and even the sin we are blind to. What if the lesson wasn’t to worship something outside of you, but worship something inside of you? Worship the ground that you walk on, the air that you breath, the water that you drink, the sun that heats you. Jesus Christ - get over yourself. All of us. Me included. I’m no less idiot than the next.

Sometimes I think we must be the biggest mistake God has ever made. Here we are denying ourselves the freedom that comes with the peace of the holy spirit, all because of pride. Stuck in a mental game with self, as if lost in the labyrinth we have, as individuals, created. All because we can’t admit that we have a problem. That we aren’t who we set out to be. That we aren’t who we thought everyone wanted and loved. Guess what dude, everyone sees you. Everyone sees everyone…everyone but themselves.

That reminds me, I used to go to AA meetings a lot and I really liked them. Not necessarily because I was scared of drinking (but let’s be real we have a huge alcohol problem people), but because it humbled the shit out of me. It reminded me of how low I once fell and how everything I have is a blessing that I need to continually earn. Just because we have what we have now, that doesn’t mean we’ve earned it and its ours to keep. Life is not promised. Not to you, not to me, not to your grandparents or grandchildren.

I may spend the whole day here, un-showered, unexercised, without sunlight and nothing more than coffee and cookies. I may make no money today and see no human other than when walking my dog. But I will have accomplished more in those hours than most people will in life. And that my friends, I am 100% OK with.

The extent of change that I have experienced across the last 14 months, its sheer cosmic.

And that is why you love me. That is why you are so drawn to me. You feel my energy, you see my passion, you want what I have. You want it so bad, but you are so hung up on a coat of pride and shield of ego. So lost in being “MAN” that you will instead watch from a distance snorting what ever version of life you want today, swallowing what ever form of bullshit you buy from a stranger.

If you don’t stand for something you fall for anything.

Wake up people. It’s getting so old, isn’t it? The lies, they must be so much work. I know they were for me. And trust, this new honest version of ME that I have found, gains more than any old lie I could have spoken about myself.

What you have ahead of you is so much greater than anything you have ever had. And don’t you let anyone, ANY ONE (or two, three, four, thousands, millions), make you think any different. And if they do, tell me their name(s) and I’ll talk to them.

Speaking of which, want to know what my favorite thing to do now? Be the smartest, most confident (yea I used that grammar) woman I can imagine myself being. I may not be able to hold onto her 24-hours a day but when I do, damn does she change the tide.

I am a Pisces, you know what that means – water. I am a fish. I am part of the elements that sustain and create life. I am one with mother nature. I am one with God. And you can poo-poo or claim “crazy girl status” all you want, you see what I have, and you despise it. You don’t want to talk about faith or hear songs that talk about “being saved” because you are so scared of what that would take for you. You don’t know if you are strong enough. You don’t want to give up all the lies and bullshit fake armor. Take off the mask man. Get over yourself. For real, the planet doesn’t care about your ego, it cares about your life.

Sorry (but I’m really not). I don’t mean to sound harsh but shit, how ignorant have we become? Stop throwing trash out the window. Stop eating and drinking so much man-made sugar cancer causing diabetes. Stop praying to money. Stop yelling. Stop fighting. Stop pretending. Seriously, you aren’t accomplishing anything. You aren’t fooling anyone. I see through you. I see the depths of your heart and I love you just the same. You are no better than me, you are no worse.

Why do we create divides where love is intended? Why do we war with the ones who love us most?

Why do we fear good and trust evil? See and all that thought only took me about 20-minutes of listening to my mind and hearing the truth it has to speak.
“shut up” “shut up” “shut up”

That is what the man who held a gun to the back of my head screamed at me because I couldn’t open the cash register. He held me by the color of my uniformed polo and threw my body around like a rag doll. But fuck him. He is in prison. Along with the second guy. And now I can’t wear turtlenecks, scarfs or anything that feels tight on my chest or neck. Good thing I have a great collar bone.

That’s the funny thing, you think you are such a bad ass, that you are so tough and better than me – yet I am the one who has faced a man and locked him up in prison. I am the one who had two guns at me. I am the one who was raped. I am the one who was abandoned by my father, and eventually mother. I am the one who drove into a wall to feel something. I am the one who saw the family and life she had but felt so numb to it all that she tried to solve the pain with death. FUCK YOU, you pretentious, spoiled, manipulative, narcist, little child. You know who you are. ALL OF YOU.

Everyone who reads this and everyone who doesn’t have the pleasure to. Wake up. For real, it’s getting lonely over here on this side of the moon. Find God. Trust love. Live for a reason that isn’t you. Then come talk to me. Until then, everyone else can find me either in the gym, working with my clients whom I love, playing with kids and dogs, talking to the wind and squirrels, medicating with nature, eating the food I tell others not to, being a weirdo who thinks she is the actual daughter of the “most high”. Peace. Amen. Namaste.

All I ask is that the people who want to be in my life, own their shit. That’s all. Price of entry – be real.

By the way credit scores are the most bullshit way to put a value on human worth. Let’s just admit that we are all still slaves, the market just changed. Stop wasting energy making up stories to distract otherwise. We are all slaves. Color, money, sex, beliefs, physical and mental health, power. We are all victims of our own self-fulfilling prophecies that my lord will have us all killed and without memory.  
Also, while I am on it.

Donald Trump is 2019’s version of Adolph Hitler and we better wake the fuck up. Turn off the news. Stop taking so much medicine. Get off your stupid devices. Stop the violence. Stop the addiction with self and obsession with comparing yourself to everyone around you. You are not that important. Neither am I. None of us are. We are all products of the universe, not vise-versa. Remember where the dinosaurs went? Remember what happened to “Pangaea”? Go back to geology class and remember that the very ground you walk on can (and probably will) kill you. Climb a mountain. Run in the rain. Stare at the moon. Talk to a stranger. Pick up someone else’s trash. Change your life and stop complaining about it on Facebook. If you post something, do something. Stop talking. Words serve no purpose without action.

We all have problems. We are all insecure and stuck in a quick-sand of anticipating our next challenge that will require us to defend our personal worth for existence. Tell me you don’t do that too? You don’t wake up or move through the day strategizing how ‘not’ to disappoint yourself or someone else? I’m tired. I’m tired of not saying how I feel because I worry it will impact how people think of me, I am tired of caring about what people think of me, I am tired or trying to BE me. I just want to exist. Without effort. Without mask. Without pride.

And I’m not leaving. I will stay here just like this for the rest of my life and be 100% satisfied with all I have achieved. I love life. I love THIS life. Even when it sucks so bad and I want to curse at teenagers for being rude, I LOVE IT and aint’ no ONE changing that.

Remember when we were kids and we would jump on the bed. Those damn monkeys kept watching their brothers and sisters falling off the bed but continued to jump anyway! Idiots. Stop hurting your heads. When we were kids, we didn’t think ahead, we weren’t absorbed in future predicting consequences. Sure our parents got annoyed when we were oblivious to things like “yes fire is hot and it hurts when you touch it” or “don’t eat the pebble you will poop it out”, but no one ever said “hey start looking back at all the mistakes you have made and consume yourself with them all day, every day”.

Oh, and parents. Get over yourself. Kids – you too. Everyone. Stop blaming everyone else for your circumstances and take some God damn responsibility. Ignorance is not bliss, it is death. Make your bed.

Which reminds me, suicide. Does anyone want to talk about how this word has, in a very short amount of time, gone from holding a stigma and unspoken by most, to now being the trend? What the FUCK. I used to think I was in the minority or people who are ashamed of their mental health issues, now I realize I am amongst the many. And because of that, I will never be ashamed again. Because that would mean we all should carry shame. And shame my friends, is a heavy suitcase.

This is why I am going to be putting a pause on my fitness endeavors. I am tired of bitching about the society I life in. I am ready to do something about it. Dear government, here I come. I decided to write a cover letter for a job that isn’t actually available (or many even real) with the VA. It goes a little like this…actually I just copy and pasted it from another document.

As I listen to the radio and distract my anxious mind from the anticipated traffic ahead, I feel a smile on my face as the pride earned from another kick ass therapy session consumes me. Despite being noon on a Wednesday, the commute home is temperamental. The Schuylkill anymore is like a hormonal female in the wild – unpredictable and tortuous…but damn do we love her when she is free flowing and open.
The word “suicide” perks my attention. Turning the volume up, I excite over NPR’s next topic – veteran suicide statistics. No better way to spend a car ride home then in humbling my life, to those lost. Being someone who has battled PTSD for years, my empathy radar goes right up. The topic, budget and marketing. Boring for most, but not to this accountant’s daughter turned advertising executive.
“The VA spent $57,000 of its $6 million media budget on suicide prevention outreach.”
“There were more than 6,000 veteran suicides each year from 2008 to 2016.”
I started to think. If we assume another 6,000 veteran’s committed suicide in 2018, that puts the price tag to life at $990 of unused, potentially life-saving money. It’s not that I like spinning out this depressing return on investment, on the contrary, I’ve personally noticed the less my life “cost me”, the better the quality. Sure, this mindset is only thanks to a year spent dedicating myself to re-engineering “myself”, so what do I know? Other than what I would do with $6 million dollars – make sure every veteran had access to therapy, exercise, healthy food, medical marijuana, yoga and meditation…for starters. I assume the cost for the necessary “treatment”, will be coming from another budget.
I am certainly not a veteran. And frankly I am too “old” anyway (despite being in better shape than majority of our population). But I do have PTSD and I have plenty of experience in the turbulent, confusing, and debilitating reality that is suicidality. I know what the toll of my trauma has been on me – both health and wealth – and if we really want to get serious about saving a generation, we need to stop talking about talking about it, and fix it. And that is what I want to be part of.
I want to help save lives. I want to let every American who has ever struggled with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, addiction, trauma, and so on, to know that they are not alone. Actually, they are the majority. And its time we fight for the lives of those who fight to protect ours. It’s the least we can do. Otherwise, we will continue to die out like stars in the night, fighting just to shine a little light.
The stars provide a necessary purpose for all mankind, they guide us. They lead us to new days. To new beginnings. All this to say – I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I will fight in the name of suicide awareness and prevention as if my life depended on it. I mean, it did at one point so what better of a voice to help spread the word.

Sometimes you just need to take a mental health day. I mean shit, you do it for stomach issues or if you have diarrhea, why not your brain. You have shit in there too. A lot. Don’t want that exploding on the job. HAHA. Sorry, but who doesn’t laugh at a good poop joke. Loosen up.  

Which reminds me, I need to call the doctors. Again. I was on hold twice yesterday for ten minutes just trying to make an appointment with my PCP. I am tempted to drive over today and ask in person. Hope I don’t get charged a co-pay for walking in the door and speaking to a human.

No, I haven’t gone to the doctor yet for my headaches. I have anxiety about the doctors and my head. Given my past history of head injuries paired with my mental health, my brain is the only thing that scares me anymore. What my brain is capable of doing that is. I mean once you take yourself down, no one else really intimidates you. Usually I stay humble and culturally respectful to this…I don’t want to walk around making enemies in trying to make friends…however when the wrong situation crosses my path and I feel some how personally attacked, threatened or accused of being something I am not – some one who feeds off my positive energy making it toxic in return. Someone who makes me doubt myself, my mind-state, my heart, my intent, my purpose, my beliefs, my security, then its game on mother fucker. You just introduced yourself to the girl who fears no evil.

But for real, what the heck Walt Disney? Were you intentionally paying your staff to write stories that would subject young female characters to the evils of mankind, giving us all anxiety about being good enough for our parents, stuck with daddy problems, fighting with our moms, and scared of being the outcast? Oh, I’m sorry, does this not sound like almost every Disney plot of the first generation?

Dear Ariel, Belle, Sleeping Beauty (did she even have a name?), Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, Pocahontas, Frozen sisters, Mulan, and all the other girls we watch overcome adversity and, well, messed up family situations, a therapist is available for you. Her name is Kara Mifflin. She is the BOMB.

Even Simba watches his dad get murdered by his uncle, then has to run away for fear of his uncle killing him! What the hell? Seriously? What is with kids learning life lessons from animals anyway? Man-cub? Bear necessities. The snake?! Come on people. Stop feeding your children the problems we project on their maturing brains. Think about the words you say, the things they see, the feelings the feel, the way they express themselves. Remember that child was once you. What did you deserve then, that you didn’t get? Give it. Then give more. End this madness.

This is how I meditate. I recall my child. She is so darn cute too, but always very scared and untrustworthy, even of me. And I imagine if in this very moment I could change every way that my (her) brain thinks, and my (her) heart feels – and like magic, POOF, I would be free from my fears.

What if there is something much bigger out there for me? Bigger than this moment? Bigger than the life I will live. A legacy. A movement. What if this is just the trailer to my “so called life” the movie.

THERE MUST BE MORE TO THIS BEAUTIFUL, TERRIBLE, WONDERFUL, PAINFUL LIFE. I miss you baby Page. (que song reference – This Beautiful Life by Colony House).

Honestly, if it weren’t for my faith, I may have given up again. This is why I am so vocal about what it means to me. Maybe you need a force bigger than your human self too. When anxiety consumes me, the dark shadows lurk, it is inevitable. But there is peace from your mental prison. And it lies in you.


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